Category Archives: Uncategorized

Three Drafts

I need to learn the alphabet. I mean, yeah I can reiterate it, but that’s pretty much the only way I can draw them from memory. I have to either start at A, or L. L is easy to start from because of elemeno, which is probably the most fun word to say. Start with a lame letter like K and I’m fucked. In the end I guess it doesn’t matter, I’ll never be as good as a computer.

I heard somewhere on the boob tube that computers have the computing capacity of a lizards brain. Growing up, I had a lizard. I named him Yoshi, and we were tight as fuck. Yoshi got sick, and we brought him to the vet. The vet said SHE had cancer, and she died like two minutes later. I admit, finding out it was a girl was for some reason disappointing to me- but I still loved that thing and was devastated that it died.  Now that I’ve convinced you that I’m not biased: that lizard didn’t do one fucking thing the entire time it was alive. There’s nothing a lizard can do better than me.

I just went back and read all the posts that I’ve made for this website and looking back, I feel like I put more work into this than I actually did. Than again, listening to dubstep in bed while writing useless nothings doesn’t really constitute as work. Either way, I’m not satisfied.

I found those three paragraphs while sifting through the drafts folder of this website. I was too lazy to finish them, and now I’m too lazy to make an original post.

Advertisements

New Year Reservations

I’ve really set the bar really low with myself. With the new year approaching, I’m tempted to set some resolutions. I read somewhere that 25% of new year resolutions don’t make it a week. I’m not a gambling man, but if I were I’d probably bet against myself. It’s not even confidence issue; I’d bet against you too, and I don’t even know you. I just have too many goals, and I don’t have the time to pursue all of them. My biggest problem is that I overwhelm myself with shit I want to do, and just do nothing. My most recent venture was to start playing and get really good at video games. Even achieving that goal is pathetic, but failing? That’s something totally different…

I’ve realized that I’m riding the cusp of the shit end of every spectrum imaginable. My eating habits are that of (if not worse) than that guy from Super Size Me. It’s just too much of a drastic change for me to even attempt it without wanting to take a nap. Fat people tell me that I’m lucky to be skinny, and I still need to change because I’m probably black on the inside- I disagree. If my body can handle the food I eat and maintain an athletes physique, is it really that insane to think my body can handle it internally? I’d prefer to think I’m simply more evolved than fat people. I’ve been conditioned to think fat people are nice, but they aren’t. They are filled with jealousy and they sweat in places I don’t, and I find that book cover gross enough to judge. Unless of course the probable truth that I actually am black on the inside reveals itself. In that case, my apologies.

I can scathe by unfit, but I need to quit smoking. I’ve made such deep rooted associations with everyday shit and smoking it’s almost impossible to quit. I can’t help but feel like by the time it really catches up with me, technology and medicine would have advanced in such a way that I could get my lungs replaced with some robotic super lungs. And if that happened, as a sickly smoker I’d probably have a better chance of getting a pair than that whiny shit who thinks it’s its unfair they have to smell smoke walking past the smokers on the way to their car from the restaurant. By the way, we’re all equally allergic to smoke, that’s why it kills us. 

I’m with my friend, and he’s telling me about his dog. He said whenever he shows Max money, he shows his teeth. I ask him who Max is, and he says it’s his dog and asks me what else I could he could be referring to other than a dog. My response: a Jew. 

And now that I’ve completely alienated my audience, I’m going to sleep.

 


Teleportation

I heard that someone teleported something (no citations or details of any kind). It’s probably not true, but fuck… While were on the subject of butt fucking, don’t you hate it you use the words but and fuck right after each other? I also hate when I just stop my train of thought for something stupid like butt fucking. You can’t easily u-turn back to teleportation after you talk about butt fucking. Watch how I fuse teleportation with sexuality: I bet if teleporters actually existed, people would stick their dicks through it like a glory hole. I hope for that person, the receiving end is an alligators mouth, or on a cactus. Something about people who use glory holes just bother me. It just sounds a bit cocky to me (no pun intended) to think some random woman will postpone her shit by some cartoonish freshly baked pie scent attraction to it. Also, women bring their babies into bathrooms to change them. What if, by some strange coincidence, the glory hole is right where that baby is? There’s a possibly you could actually penetrate the baby in the asshole. People get struck by lightning twice, don’t let the outrageous probability fool you- it’s probably happened. And considering population density, it probably happened in China. I heard they kill babies if you have more than one, so does that surprise you?

If I had a teleporter, I’d teleport to the 60’s. I bet for a second you thought “you can’t do that with a teleporter” like they actually fucking exist. This is my website, and I make the rules: my teleporter time travels. I’d go to the sixties to see if a dime bag really cost a dime. I used an inflation calculator, and a dime in 1960 is worth about .73 cents today. That’s incredibly cheap for a dime bag, and I doubt that fact is true.  Actually, I’d teleport to 3:52 of this video and find out what the fuck is happening to MJ at that exact moment.