Author Archives: giovanniorlando

About giovanniorlando

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Three Drafts

I need to learn the alphabet. I mean, yeah I can reiterate it, but that’s pretty much the only way I can draw them from memory. I have to either start at A, or L. L is easy to start from because of elemeno, which is probably the most fun word to say. Start with a lame letter like K and I’m fucked. In the end I guess it doesn’t matter, I’ll never be as good as a computer.

I heard somewhere on the boob tube that computers have the computing capacity of a lizards brain. Growing up, I had a lizard. I named him Yoshi, and we were tight as fuck. Yoshi got sick, and we brought him to the vet. The vet said SHE had cancer, and she died like two minutes later. I admit, finding out it was a girl was for some reason disappointing to me- but I still loved that thing and was devastated that it died.  Now that I’ve convinced you that I’m not biased: that lizard didn’t do one fucking thing the entire time it was alive. There’s nothing a lizard can do better than me.

I just went back and read all the posts that I’ve made for this website and looking back, I feel like I put more work into this than I actually did. Than again, listening to dubstep in bed while writing useless nothings doesn’t really constitute as work. Either way, I’m not satisfied.

I found those three paragraphs while sifting through the drafts folder of this website. I was too lazy to finish them, and now I’m too lazy to make an original post.

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New Year Reservations

I’ve really set the bar really low with myself. With the new year approaching, I’m tempted to set some resolutions. I read somewhere that 25% of new year resolutions don’t make it a week. I’m not a gambling man, but if I were I’d probably bet against myself. It’s not even confidence issue; I’d bet against you too, and I don’t even know you. I just have too many goals, and I don’t have the time to pursue all of them. My biggest problem is that I overwhelm myself with shit I want to do, and just do nothing. My most recent venture was to start playing and get really good at video games. Even achieving that goal is pathetic, but failing? That’s something totally different…

I’ve realized that I’m riding the cusp of the shit end of every spectrum imaginable. My eating habits are that of (if not worse) than that guy from Super Size Me. It’s just too much of a drastic change for me to even attempt it without wanting to take a nap. Fat people tell me that I’m lucky to be skinny, and I still need to change because I’m probably black on the inside- I disagree. If my body can handle the food I eat and maintain an athletes physique, is it really that insane to think my body can handle it internally? I’d prefer to think I’m simply more evolved than fat people. I’ve been conditioned to think fat people are nice, but they aren’t. They are filled with jealousy and they sweat in places I don’t, and I find that book cover gross enough to judge. Unless of course the probable truth that I actually am black on the inside reveals itself. In that case, my apologies.

I can scathe by unfit, but I need to quit smoking. I’ve made such deep rooted associations with everyday shit and smoking it’s almost impossible to quit. I can’t help but feel like by the time it really catches up with me, technology and medicine would have advanced in such a way that I could get my lungs replaced with some robotic super lungs. And if that happened, as a sickly smoker I’d probably have a better chance of getting a pair than that whiny shit who thinks it’s its unfair they have to smell smoke walking past the smokers on the way to their car from the restaurant. By the way, we’re all equally allergic to smoke, that’s why it kills us. 

I’m with my friend, and he’s telling me about his dog. He said whenever he shows Max money, he shows his teeth. I ask him who Max is, and he says it’s his dog and asks me what else I could he could be referring to other than a dog. My response: a Jew. 

And now that I’ve completely alienated my audience, I’m going to sleep.

 


Teleportation

I heard that someone teleported something (no citations or details of any kind). It’s probably not true, but fuck… While were on the subject of butt fucking, don’t you hate it you use the words but and fuck right after each other? I also hate when I just stop my train of thought for something stupid like butt fucking. You can’t easily u-turn back to teleportation after you talk about butt fucking. Watch how I fuse teleportation with sexuality: I bet if teleporters actually existed, people would stick their dicks through it like a glory hole. I hope for that person, the receiving end is an alligators mouth, or on a cactus. Something about people who use glory holes just bother me. It just sounds a bit cocky to me (no pun intended) to think some random woman will postpone her shit by some cartoonish freshly baked pie scent attraction to it. Also, women bring their babies into bathrooms to change them. What if, by some strange coincidence, the glory hole is right where that baby is? There’s a possibly you could actually penetrate the baby in the asshole. People get struck by lightning twice, don’t let the outrageous probability fool you- it’s probably happened. And considering population density, it probably happened in China. I heard they kill babies if you have more than one, so does that surprise you?

If I had a teleporter, I’d teleport to the 60’s. I bet for a second you thought “you can’t do that with a teleporter” like they actually fucking exist. This is my website, and I make the rules: my teleporter time travels. I’d go to the sixties to see if a dime bag really cost a dime. I used an inflation calculator, and a dime in 1960 is worth about .73 cents today. That’s incredibly cheap for a dime bag, and I doubt that fact is true.  Actually, I’d teleport to 3:52 of this video and find out what the fuck is happening to MJ at that exact moment.


Humus and Fish

I’m eating humus with pita and fish. Humus followed by fish, not fish infused with humus- that shit’s just gross. This meal makes me feel Mediterranean. It’s all traditional arabic ingredients. Too bad it was all made by machines. I’m at a crucial point in the eating of my meal right now- I don’t know if I want any more humus. If I continue and eat the fish, I won’t be able to turn back and eat more humus because it’ll taste gross and fishy. This is my life.

A whole slew of shit happened today. You won’t hear much about anything because all the networks are constantly airing shit about this earthquake in Japan. It’s sad and I don’t want to hear about this bullshit. Houses falling down and flooding is not cool to me. Something that is cool: the iPad 2 came out today. Sales are probably going to be a bit sluggish with Japan out of the mix. Even though they are  super devoted to electronics, I doubt they have electricity. Maybe if it had the retina display, it’d get them swimming to the apple store.

In other news, I got today and tomorrow off from work. I’m actually really happy about that; theres this big training event that I would have to push like a mother fucker if I were working. Now, I’ll be returning next weekend after the bullshit has passed and I can continue doing absolutely nothing at work. It would have been nice to get the extra hours in, but I’ll be bitching about that next week when the paycheck is pretty much 0 dollars. I pay weekly for my benefits; I wonder what happens when I don’t work at all and theres nothing for them to take the money from. Whatever, fuck them… They don’t even give me a straight answer as to where I can go to get shit done. Pure evil, those people.


Big Brother

Facebook just got a whole shit ton creepier.

First, they offered me an email address, which basically let’s non facebook users to send you messages. It’s more of a facebook message than an email, but you can add attachments. That’s really cool- if I’m taking to somebody and want to send them a picture I usually resort to email on the side. Now, I don’t have to. After chatting for a few minutes, I noticed a little box in the chat dialogue. It brought up my messages between that person- and it had all of our chat logged in it. It appears now whenever you chat with someone, your actually sending them an “email” and everything is logged. I looked through my messages and it has my last two days of chats logged. Next time Facebook, ask me. Or at least let me turn this fucking thing off. It would also be cooler if allowed me to pick my email address instead of using my facebook.com/username.

The new button takes you to your messages/chat logs with that person

I get what they are doing; they are trying to eliminate email. In a perfect world, that would be great. Someones email would actually be connected to another person, so you knew exactly who you were sending something to and they would know who you are. In other words, no more spam. If you did want to spam me, I’d know exactly who you are and could easily find your home and rip your wife in half. Also, some people just never check their email but yet they are on Facebook all day. It’d be a one stop shop but with shit that’s actually useful.

I don’t like how chats are thrown into the mix. There are certain people I talk to everyday; finding something they send me a month ago would take forever. Specially with Facebook’s dumb ass idea of scrolling. They really need to learn how to have page numbers rather than making you scroll to the top and wait and have the next paid load, over and over again. Chat logs are personal stuff, having them one click away makes it way too easy to spy on people when they leave themselves logged into someone else’s computer. I’m not against logged chats; I love that and used to Meebo solely for that reason. It should just be in a different location and be password protected. That’s how I would do it if I were in charge. I would also put the paperclip/attachment icon inside the chat window, and have instant messages with attachments sent to the messages folder. The way they have it is just a little too much integration for me. Usually, when Facebook adds new features they don’t let go of them. I guess we’d better get used to it.

“Fuck Facebook. In the face.”


What have you done for me lately?

Before this website was trying to sell me on their iphone app. I really hope it’s not for people who need to post on the fly. This isn’t fucking twitter, theres no need for that shit. I heard twitter was up for sale for like 10 billion bucks. I really hope they sell it and ruin it like they did myspace. If I had 10 billion to blow, I’d buy it and toss it in the trash. I don’t understand twitter. Not like, the social aspect, (I just find that retarded) but literally how to use it. Everyone says they love it because it’s simple, but theres fucking #’s and @’s and $’s and w/e the fuck. They’ve managed to find a way to alienate me in less than 140 characters. I’m sure I could learn, but why? If someone gives a shit about what I have to say, they will read this. If they don’t, why try to force feed them a sentence at a time?

I really do hate the word “blog”. It’s funny how this world works- the guy who thunk up the word “blog” most likely got nothing from it aside from a shitty blog no one reads. The guy who invented Shamwow’s punches hookers in the face in a Lambo. I’ll stick to calling this a website, granted it’s a pathetic one. I’ve been posting a lot to this website. I really don’t understand why, it’s not like I have the free time for it. I guess it’s a way for me to not do the things I need to do while still doing something. Also, since I’m primarily doing it for myself, it’s more like personal maintenance than anything else. What I’m doing with the blog is basically just farting out some of the bullshit that would otherwise stink up my brain all day long. When I come on here, I don’t really have the intention of writing anything in particular. I just go in whatever direction I want and hope I find it interesting enough to continue writing about it. If not, I’ll just move on. Example:

About four minutes ago I broke my nail uncomfortably short. It was on my left hand too, which really fucking sucks because now it’s going to make my guitar playing uncomfortably uncomfortable. If it was on my right hand, I could have just silk wrapped it up and instead of sucking it would be fucking kick ass. Of course, that’s not the case. That’s my life. I pirated Guitar Pro 6 the other day, so I guess that evens things out a bit.

Update: Shorty after this post, I downloaded the WordPress iOS app. Also, I don’t get why everyone is so close minded about this silk wrapping of my finger nails. The only thing feminine about fake nails is the fact that women do it it to look good, which is not my motivation. I do it for guitar; it makes playing so much easier and more fun. I don’t ever have to use a pick and it makes fingerpicking cool as fuck. I don’t need to explain myself.

Not bad considering I put this bitch on myself


And one more thing…

…I like about my Mac is the unlimited battery life.